The Only Breaking News I Can Handle Comes with a Punchline

On outsourcing my news to Jimmy Kimmel.

The last time I tried to watch a national news network, I got overwhelmed and had to turn it off — somewhere between an update on the price of eggs and the part where they politely informed me that American democracy might be circling the drain.

My heart rate quickened. My jaw clenched like I was bracing for impact. And the TV remote looked about one anxiety-inducing headline away from becoming a projectile.

So, I did what any reasonable, emotionally fragile adult does when the world feels like it’s on the brink of complete chaos:

I turned off the news — and turned on Jimmy Kimmel.

Technically, I still watch the news. I’ve just outsourced it to the late-night comedy department.

It started innocently enough. Every so often, I’d catch an opening monologue from Kimmel or Seth Meyers to get a quick laugh before bed. But somewhere along the line, those monologues became my preferred source of national news.

Now, every morning while I sip my coffee, I queue up the previous night’s clips on YouTube. By the time my mug is empty, I’ve gotten the highlights:

• Which politicians embarrassed themselves,

• What fresh nonsense erupted in D.C.,

• And which tone-deaf billionaire stuck their foot in their mouth… again.

Sure, there are jokes and jabs stitched in. But the headlines? They’re real. And honestly, they’re a lot easier to digest when sandwiched between sarcastic commentary and the occasional Matt Damon roast.

The late-night talk shows get it. They know the world (read: this country) is a mess. They don’t sugarcoat it — but they do sprinkle enough humor on top to make it bearable.

It’s like taking your news with a spoonful of sugar… and chasing it with a healthy pour of sarcasm.

I trust Jimmy Kimmel with my daily dose of current events. He delivers the facts, of course — but he also laughs at the absurdity, calls out the hypocrisy, and leaves me chuckling at the dumpster fire instead of crying about it.

Look, I know it might not be the most polished way to stay informed. I’m aware that some news stories just don’t make the comedy cut.

But at this point in my life — where stress and anxiety lurk around every corner — the idea of regularly consuming unfiltered national news feels… dangerous.

I need filters.
I need humor.
I need someone to summarize the horrors of the world and follow it up with a hilarious celebrity impersonation or a cleverly turned phrase.

That’s not to say I live in blissful ignorance. When the next political scandal erupts — and it will erupt — I’ll hear about it.

From Jimmy. Or Seth. Or Jon.

Is it how the experts recommend staying informed? Probably not.

But considering the circus we’re all living in right now, I’ll take my current events with an ample dose of humor… and a well-timed commercial break.